By Andrea Dell
If you were to judge people solely on the contents of their spam e-mail, you’d find most human beings to be depraved perverts with extraordinary financial problems, despite them having a knack for receiving exorbitant monetary donations from random foreigners.
Do the people who send these out actually expect them to work?
Some are more convincing than others, I admit. For example, this week alone I’ve received almost $1,000 in Amazon eRewards. And my PayPal account has been restricted. Again.
At the Tribune, we even get fake classifieds. They all share a theme, and that theme changes every few months. Once, it was terriers. Another time it was motorcycles. Right now, these pseudo advertisers want to post ads seeking either a nanny, or a caregiver for an elderly relative.
On Friday, my RussianBrides login was updated. I was recently warned that my $100 in “Walgreens ePoints” is expiring soon. Several people have run background checks on me in the last few days. And Jasmine thinks my profile picture is cute, and she wants to chat.
I also have several irons in the fire that are 100 percent guaranteed to make me an instant zillionaire. This isn’t counting all cash flow I’ll enjoy from the zero percent interest loans I qualify for on a daily basis.
My excellent and special friend, “Mr Gomez Lan,” wrote to tell me he’s arrived in Atlanta with my ATM card worth $4.4 million, which he has been instructed by “ups DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE” to deliver to me.
What? You doubt Gomez? Of course he’s for real! He assured me that “Airport authority demanded for all the legal back up to prove to them that the fund is in no way related with drug or fraudulent Activities.” The “Airport authority” wouldn’t let him contact me if he were lying! He just needs $150 from me, to get that crucial “yellow tag” placed on the ATM card. Those stiffs at “Airport authority” must have the “Yellow Tag of lading papers for airport delivery clearance,” before they’ll let him leave the airport.
I’m not sure how an ATM card is going to fit in an ATM with a “Yellow Tag of lading papers” on it, but I’ll worry about that when the time comes.
Did I mention that Sarah Smith from the United Kingdom wants to give me half of her 25 million Euro inheritance? We just have to get married, and then it’s all mine.
Also, every dying Christian who has ever lived, ever, is going to leave me a pretty nice chunk of change, provided I help them spend their vast millions on a worthy cause of my own choosing.
I did find one of those a tiny bit suspicious, I must say. The woman who e-mailed me wrote, “With God, all things are possible.” She then warned me we couldn’t talk over the phone, because she didn’t want her in-laws, who are apparently always in the room with her, no matter what (must make for awkward bathroom breaks), to hear her going behind their backs.
So, with God, all things are possible, except scheming in front of your in-laws? I think not, dearie.
Best of all, a New Yorker named Mrs. Wendy Louis is going to entrust a “huge” sum of money to me. She didn’t want to say why in the e-mail, though (and who can blame her), but I’m sure it’s because I’m the most trustworthy acceptor of random millions presently living on planet Earth. I value your faith in me, Mrs. Wendy Louis of New York City.
Of course, before I can deposit these untold millions, I will have to spend 600 years verifying and re-verifying my account information with every bank, credit card account, and online service I’ve ever used—and, apparently, a few I haven’t. Better get cracking.
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